Like this one. Women's hairstyles? Because, I don't know, the beehive may come back and you might have to decide whether to look like Marge Simpson just to stay fashionable?
And, as someone who's not exactly a "hairdresser," I'm not sure what I can contribute.
On the other hand, I do have experience. Looking at women for the better part of 35 years, and knowing what works and what doesn't, should count for something.
And having amassed such experience, let me just tell you...hair matters. I notice hair first. Its a woman's crown. Its the one thing you carry around with you everywhere that distinguishes you from all the other women. Dull, mousy, utilitarian hair says "I've given in to defeat. And French fries." Full, lustrous, flowing hair says, "I'm a winner, and that bitch Heather in HR can suck it." Ok, it doesn't literally say that, but that kind of captures the spirit of the thing.
I'm only talking about hairstyles within our memory and experience. I'm sure Philistine women were rocking some serious Scare Hair. Or Bathsheba. Or Cleopatra. And no doubt pygmy tribe women living along the Amazon are rocking some seriously creative coifs, lacking ready access to Vogue and the latest Rihanna videos and all.
I'm also not getting into hair quality itself. These cuts would make a Victoria Secret model look like a Gary Busey's mug shot.
Nor do we consider "art hair." You know, like an "art car," one of those decorated cars like with model dinosaurs and Sleestak all over it, that parade around in the Heights? Except, with hair. Also known as "shock and awe hair."
5. Corn rows.
Yeah, see this is a disaster. I don't care how hot you are, Bo Derek in 10, I see those corn rows and all I can think is Stevie Wonder. Its like one step above the Medusa and all those hair snakes.
4. The Bowl.
Including the Dorothy Hamill variant.
Somewhere Mary Ann Schutte is super pissed and doesn't even know why. Looking like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is no way to go through life, hun. Unless you're hoping to put out a Rubber Soul tribute album, you need to get a real hairdo.
3. Perm.
Once upon a time, in the 1980s, a lot of things happened that are best forgotten. Like perms. I mean, its generally ok to look like Sarah Jessica Parker, but try to shoot for LA Story SJP ("SanDeE*") and not so much Carrie Bradshaw (see above).
2. The Rachel.
Jennifer Aniston is sort of '90s Heather Locklear, though unlike Heather, Jennifer can't seem to close the deal with rock stars. Signed, John Mayer. This hair style was pretty great for about the first six months, before Friends began rotting brains everywhere. Unlike the others, its not inherently putrid. But you know how in the '60s on TV people would talk about how Sammy Davis, Jr. and Sidney Poitier were a credit to their race? Yeah, Friends would be the opposite of that for whites. So after we had to see this hairstyle show up EVERYWHERE (tractor pulls, dentists' reception rooms, bus stops, the mall), pulling the plug was long overdue. Wear this to your '90s retro theme parties, and nowhere else.
1. This:
Sooo...what'cha got goin' on there, January? A couple of mating yarn balls with a little bitty bow tie is what it looks like. Or tribble hair. You're totally smokin' hot and all, but really, this should never have happened. Ever. Not even on Mad Men.
Hon. mention: the beehive, Mary Gross hair, mixmaster hair, Rosanne Rosannadanna hair
NEXT-Top 5: Reasons Tom Cruise Should Come Out. You can be my wingman anytime!
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