And he said: "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."
--Johnny Cash, A Boy Named Sue
What's in a name?
That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
--Romeo and Juliet (Act II, sc. ii)
Your daily Shakespeare lesson: that line comes from the balcony scene. Juliet says, essentially, that the family schism keeping them from marrying (sidebar--they were 16, gross) amounts to no more than their having the wrong last names. So "tis but thy name that is my enemy," not Romeo. That Romeo is not simply a "Montague," but would be just as much the same person if he had any other name.
Really? Tell that to any Kennedy. Or Bush. Or to Frances Gumm, Marion Morrison, Archie Leach, Natalie Hershlag, Allen Konigsberg, Richard Starkey, or Jennifer Anastassakis. Or as you know them, Judy Garland, John Wayne, Cary Grant, Natalie Portman, Woody Allen, Ringo Starr, and Jennifer Aniston. Why change your name if there's nothing to a name?
As a child of the '60s, literally, I've met my fair share of Cinnamons, and Freedoms, and Sunshines, and Destinys. Note to free-spirited parents: the line between a new age name that breaks with outmoded socially confining dogma, and a stripper name, is ever so slight. But the recent spate of "they named her WHAT!!" is really getting out of hand. "North West"? Why not just put her on a pole right now? Like her mother. BTW, I don't get it. If the mother and father aren't married, like that unfortunate girl's parents, the baby has the mother's surname. So it would be "North Kardashian." And wouldn't she want to preserve the "Kardashian" name for marketing purposes?
Well, whatever. Its everywhere. And its getting out of control. Zuma Nesta Rock (Gwyn Stefani and Gavin Rossdale), Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Rebel (Robert Rodriguez), and Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni) all come to mind.
Come on, people. Your child is not a canvas where you can parade your hippy dippy world views. Naming your child "Pilot Inspektor," Jason Lee may strike a blow against conformity, but little Pilot's going to have to pay on the playgrounds at least until he's 12. The "k" was a nice touch, by the way. So he'll be forced to repeat it several times as teachers ask, in front of his class, "how is that spelled again?" Snicker, snicker, snicker. Cut to little Pilot at age 20 pulling up to the Lee home on a stolen Harley, with coke smeared all over his multiply-pierced nose, introducing you to his new "bitch" whom "you can just call Slash" while they "crash here til the heat dies down." You probably won't notice her face tattoos or never healing rashes, though you will wonder why you can't seem to find any of your cash.
Here's a thought. Its pretty weird, so just go with it for a sec. How about you name your child something normal? Like, I don't know, "Bill" or "Mark" or "Brian"? Or "Deborah"? Those are nice names. Their little friends won't tease them mercilessly as children. You can still raise them to hate the Establishment as much as you want, of course. And they may still wind up on an episode of Cops one day, but at least you want be pushing them into it, like if you name your child "Jermajesty Jackson." Just like Jermaine Jackson did. I know being in that family pretty much ensures your life will wind up on TMZ, but that boulder was born rolling down the hill. You didn't need to push it. If you want to say something to the world through a name, how about you change your own name? Just try and use an actually pronounceable word. Prince. None of this "artist formerly known as" business.
Here's the worst, out of a big group:
5. Apple Martin. Fruit? Nice thinking Gwyneth. She explained (on Oprah, of course) that she thought the name sounded "wholesome" and "clean." So does "vanilla" but you wouldn't name your kid after it. That kid is lucky if "Apple Martini" is the worst thing she hears.
4. Chastity Bono Sonny and Cher's kid later became a transsexual and took the name "Chaz." Cause no one could have seen that coming. At all. When your mom later marries Gregg Allman, and then becomes...Cher...the deck is pretty much stacked against you. The name just puts you on the crazy train to "Hey its Pat!" -ville. He/she actually looks a little like Alec Baldwin now, so maybe that was the right move.
3. Blanket Jackson. OK, if you're Michael Jackson's kid, you've got at least one thing going for you. You can never become your family's biggest freak. And you'll have money. That's about where the good things end. This poor kid's gonna be lugging that name around life like Linus and his...blanket. Sorry, too good to pass up. The kid's legal name is "Prince Michael II," so at least he's got some non-regal name to use. I suppose Mike could have picked "Action," so it could have been worse. Hey, its not like his dad ever dangled him off a hotel balcony or anything. Oh, wait.
2. Kal-El Cage. Nicolas Cage...you've got a lot of problems. We get it. Marrying Lisa Marie Presley just because you like Elvis. Got it. Throwing away all your money on cars and real estate. Sure. Having the IRS file tax liens against you. Hey, been there, right? Getting arrested for domestic abuse. Of course. So far, that's all just living the Baller Lifestyle. But naming your kid after Superman? Nic...dammit. How many times is your boy gonna have some little punk come up on him and knock him down and say "not so Super now are ya"? Or "where's your cape"? Or a million other things. I know, I know, he'll go to some super snobby private school. Cause those places never have any hazing at all. Nice going, Tiny Elvis.
1. Tu Morrow. In case you don't know, Rob Morrow was the uptight Jewish doctor (no stereotype there) on Northern Exposure. Good show. Irritating character. I think he went on to some crime show later, where he used his math skills to solve crimes. I guess it would be like Matt Damon's character from Good Will Hunting becoming a detective. No trench coats or capes though. Anyhow, Morrow apparently had a little girl. And what did he decide to name his darling daughter? The precious little angel, sent from heaven? Full of sugar and spice and everything nice? "Tu." Just...Tu. Not "Et Tu" or "Tu Tu" but just "Tu." Making for "Tu Morrow." Because of course he would. He's an artist. And apparently the mother is completely insane too. There's a couple of middle names, but the damage has been done. "Tu Morrow"? Bad for the look! That kid better get comfortable with Annie.
Honorable Mention: Bear Blu Silverstone. And all of Brad Pitt's and Angelina Jolie's child menagerie.
NEXT-Top 5 Original Star Trek Episodes. From the NBC series. Hint: its mostly episodes where Kirk hooks up and Spock and McCoy get into a fight.
No comments:
Post a Comment