Top 5: Reasons Tom Cruise Needs to Come Out

Already.

Everyone's celebrating Defense of Marriage Act defeat day, which actually was earlier this week, and oh hey look, its time for the next Top 5 entry, Reasons Tom Cruise Should Come Out. Obviously I knew a month ago the Supreme Court would rule as they did, and timed my posts to reach this one exactly in time. Almost. As governments across the land attempt to implement the ruling, and as our society tries to absorb how it will affect our lives, I want to consider how it will affect our National Treasure, one Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.

You know...Maverick?

I really never got why Maverick got all the run in Top Gun. Viper was the real stud. He routinely beat all the "best of the best" pilots in every dogfight. He knew all the best maneuvers.  He had a cool house right on the coast. He was a Vietnam combat ace who flew with Maverick's dad. And in a Navy full of guys with mustaches, he had the most glorious one of them all. He was a total Boss in every way. But I guess the Maverick-Viper love story was too compelling, thereby hijacking Viper's rightful glory.

What's the most radical and accelerated change our country has experienced in the last quarter century? Public attitudes toward homosexuality. The American Psychiatric Association still classified it as a mental illness well into the 1970s. Many states criminalized it well into the 1980s, which the US Supreme Court famously upheld in the 1986 case Bowers v. Hardwick.  Cut to today, just 25 years later, where the Supreme Court has not only overturned its Bowers opinion, but invalidated the Defense of Marriage Act, which denied federal benefits to gay couples legally married under their state's laws as against the Constitution.  All states have repealed criminal anti-sodomy laws. Many states have legalized gay marriage and prohibited sexual preference discrimination. Congress formally ended the "don't ask, don't tell" policy excluding homosexuals from the Armed Services. That all adds up to remarkably fast change. Gay rights may not play in Montgomery County, but they're picking up steam most places. Even the deep red states.

Hollywood and popular culture mostly have reflected, if not in many cases raced ahead of, the shift. Until the 1990s, the movie industry may have hired gay actors, directors, and other artists, but it quickly and ruthlessly suppressed any public expressions or even hints that its stars were gay. Despite fairly compelling evidence in many cases. Cause, you know, its one thing to depict wanton, graphic violence, but quite another for a known gay person to appear on screen. Or it would pass off "gayness" as comic flamboyance. I'm looking at you Paul Lynde (BTW, you were brilliant). Popular culture mostly fully accepts homosexuality today. Gays not only appear but often dominate movies, TV, plays, Netflix. For instance, there's this show called Glee. Movies, TV shows, plays, books and the like frequently contain gay characters and themes, even openly gay actors. "Coming out" no longer represents the kiss of career death.

Except for big time, leading man, action heroes. No gays allowed. Or at least actors known as gay (the "Rock Hudson exception"). I know, I know, all those Hollywood types got SOOO excited and sanctimonious about Philadelphia and Elton John and Brokeback Mountain and Hugh Jackman (how does this guy get cast in EVERYTHING? He's like the male Laura Linney, or the non-British Colin Firth). And I'm sure that the Great Gay Fast Cars, Wanton Death, and Explosions Movie is right around the corner. But Neil Patrick Harris ain't the next James Bond, no matter how well he acts. I have a theory about that. I have a theory about everything actually I just usually keep it to myself. Right or wrong, the American movie audience at least on some level wants to believe the actors on screen bear some similarities to their characters. They want to equate the actor and the character, at least in some sense. What else explains why some actors' careers tank when they do something objectionable off screen? Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan can probably act just as well as they ever did, but no one wants to see them play certain kinds of characters because few can separate their feelings about the actor from how they perceive their performances. When I see Gwyneth Paltrow on screen, for example...well, yall know where I'm going with this. Lindsay Lohan could probably still get a job playing a sexually confused, strung out cokehead diva (ACTING!!!), but she's not starring opposite Hugh Grant anytime soon. I suppose that Hollywood thinks the audience can't make the leap from an actor's known sexual preference to a character's opposite preference, thereby undermining ticket sales. No one cared whether actors like Farley Granger or Nathan Lane were gay because, well, obvi. Plus, they never made a career playing characters where part of the audience's belief in the character arises from believing the actor has those same qualities. Its like, remember that time Don Knotts played Dirty Harry? Exactly.

Why the History of Gays in America? What, no chapter on the Stonewall Riots? Well, its important to understand all this as we turn to how our nation's pre-eminent creepy uncle, Tom, should re-energize his career. No, really. Oh sure, its not as interesting as other really important things, like Hillary Clinton's latest hairstyle or what Taylor Swift wore to the Grammys or who won The Voice. The usual things that set the internet on fire. But the Cruise question merits considering, if for no reason other than so many people want to know. Witness the incredible South Park episode from a few years ago, with Stan and Randy Marsh famously begging Tom Cruise to come out of the closet. Don't we live in the "no privacy" age, where we insist on knowing everything about everyone? So we can, you know, judge them? And doesn't remaining closeted belittle and demean those with the courage to come out? I mean, a gay actor? Who'd believe it? Less condescendingly, stars like Cruise make millions by establishing and cultivating a "brand," which they sell like a product. It opens the door to better and more lucrative and challenging roles, endorsement deals, and social status. When we buy a movie ticket because of the star, or a magazine where they're on the cover or watch them on a talk show or donate to their charities or buy their endorsed products, we implicitly buy into the brand. If you pass yourself off as some macho he-man ass kicking, tail slaying character to sell tickets to your macho he-man, ass kicking, tail slaying movies, then you can't react in horror when people want to know whether you're really like that. So its deceptive and fraudulent, in that context, to portray yourself as something radically different from your true self.

So lets now turn to the issue at hand. No, not "is he" or "isn't he." Tom Cruise has repeatedly denied he's a homosexual. Really? Ok, that sounds about right. He has a string of ex-wives and adopted children (Rosie O'Donnell, anyone?). One ex-wife, the notoriously non-heinous looking Mimi Rogers, said their marriage ended largely because they did not have sex. He's meticulous about working out and having ever so precise hair. Both Family Guy and South Park have said he's gay, which is admissible evidence under the Federal Rules of Evidence.  He's filed, and then settled (i.e. without having to testify on his sexual preference under oath) several lawsuits against those who've alleged that he's gay. And, living legend (and part-time cadaver) Cher just now ranked him among her own Top 5 conquests (Cher, who's doing the Top 5 lists anyway, and thanks for making everyone throw up in their mouth a little). That pairing makes Liza Minnelli and David Gest seem totally normal. Child, please. My gaydar may not work too well, but Priscilla Queen of the Desert thinks Tom's a little swishy.  The Top Gun volleyball scene and his ride on Oprah's couch say Tom gets extra twitch when RuPaul's Drag Race comes on. Or Canadian Football. "Playing With the Boys" indeed. And all that time he spends with John Travolta. Let's not waste time wondering whether all that water coming from the sky is rain, mmm kay?

So, why hide it? Dude doesn't want to kill the golden goose. Movie roles. Blockbuster, leading man (read "butch"), big-time payday movie roles. See above harangue about Hollywood not hiring the gays for these roles.

Now, I'm often wrong, but there's something to this. Bosnian Serb war atrocities were more sexually provocative than that Tom Cruise-Kelly McGillis sex scene. Take my breath away. And my eyesight. Its more like some 1970s "sexual harassment comes in many forms" educational video than a Hollywood love scene. Hard to say who needed more crisis counseling afterwards, Tom or Kelly. Or the audience that had to watch that dumpster fire. The Super Bowl ad where Bar Rafaeli kisses the nerdy kid thought that scene was a little awkward. (Warning: don't watch that after having just eaten). That's because you know they're both gay. That's what makes it creepy. Well, that and the fact that they're both so obviously wishing they were anywhere else at the time.

So here's why Tommy Boy should just come out already.

5. Best Not to Carry On a Farce. Hasn't it gotten to where you can only manage to snicker when you hear "Tom Cruise"? Yeah, part of that comes from the whole Scientology deal, but some are convinced the Scientology deal just provides a cover (or a "cure") for the gay deal. At some point, doesn't it become exhausting living the lie? Exhausting, and embarrassing?

4. Will Get Better Roles. The same reason he can't continue to swing big time leading man roles now is the same reason he could shine in more interesting and challenging roles fronting independent movies, or character roles in mainstream movies. Freed from living up to the straight, macho, ladies man stereotype image (ok, of trying to maintain the pretense I mean), he can break out of those constraints and take on meatier, more challenging, albeit less mack daddyish roles. His career could enter its Gielgud phase. Sort of.

3. He Can Begin his Public Image Rehabilitation. Post Oprah couch diving, most people regard Cruise as a freak at best, and a public safety threat at worst. I tend to think public safety threat, but in fairness so is most of Actor's Equity when you get down to it. Overdid it much? Yeah, you could say that. So, just like so many other celebrities who've gone round the bend, Tom needs to fess up so that America can take him back. As exhaustively discussed earlier, there's not nearly so much gay antipathy now. Oh sure, a bunch of old guys won't ever come around, but who cares? They don't go to movies. All he needs to care about is that 18-45 age demographic who do. Or who buy DVDs and such. That's an age range that more and more doesn't have nearly as much against gay actors as weirdo freak actors. Best to tone down all the Scientology/Matt Lauer rants too, while he's at it. Brooke Shields would certainly appreciate it.

2. Ends the Imprisonment Threat To Future Tom Cruise "Wives." The whole Planet of the Apes-style human wife roundups that Scientology carries out looking for Cruise's future wives makes any smoking hot/marginally talented actress a potential sex trafficking victim. To protect all the rail thin, normal wife-looking actresses from such abduction, we have to end this charade. Then we can worry about protecting Abercrombie and Fitch male model types from the roundups. Now that, you know, gay marriage is mostly legal and everything.

1. He's Got Nowhere Else to Go. Oh, sorry, that's a Richard Gere line. Funny how he comes to mind too. Other than Mission Impossible remakes, Tom Cruise's days as a blockbuster leading man have just about run out. Its not just that dude is 50, he's an Old 50. He's been in movies, tabloids, talk shows, everywhere, since he was 19. The gross keeps shrinking and shrinking. OK, no jokes there. Fewer and fewer people are coming out (no pun intended) to see his movies. Its time to shake up his career and begin its Lifetime Achievement Award phase. Does he really want to wind up like Arnold Schwarzenegger, being a steroided out 90 year old husk trying to make Terminator 15? How better to do that than to come clean with who he is, and stretch into other movie types.

To part, I give you the one, the only...Volleyball Scene.  Enjoy. Try not to turn gay watching it. Best to watch it in bits and pieces. Twenty seconds here, 45 seconds there. And thanks Goose for keeping your shirt on.

NEXT- Top 5 Worst Hollywood Kid Names. Apple Martin, meet North West.