Top 5: James Bond Movies

Bond, James Bond

‘Name: Bond, James. Height: 183cm, weight: 76 kilograms; slim build; eyes: blue; hair: black; scar down right cheek and on left shoulder; signs of plastic surgery on back of right hand; all-round athlete; expert pistol shot, boxer, knife-thrower; does not use disguises. Languages: French and German. Smokes heavily (NB: special cigarettes with three gold bands); vices: drink, but not to excess, and women. Not thought to accept bribes.’

 

--Ian Fleming, From Russia With Love (1957)

Yeah, ok, I know. Top 5 Dog Breeds was in the on-deck circle. Then I thought about the fact that I've never owned a dog, our family hasn't had a dog since 1973 (except Madonna, which really was just my mom's dog), and most of my dog knowledge comes from the fact that a poodle bit me on the hand when I was 5 and I've hated them ever since. And from watching cartoon dogs, like Brian on Family Guy or Astro on the Jetsons or Scooby Doo. What? Real dogs aren't like that? Normally having no experience whatsoever isn't even a speed bump preventing me from reaching an opinion on something. But here, I just don't have enough dog knowledge. So I'm exercising my right to revise the Top 5 topics.

BTW, my Top 5 Dog Brands or Breeds or whatever they are:

5. Irish setter
4. Pug
3. Belgian malinois
2. Black lab/retriever
1. Boxer

On to something really important. Like James Bond movies. Beware. Spoiler alerts!!

The first “adult” movies I can remember my Dad taking us to consisted of a Thunderball and From Russia With Love double feature at the old Bellaire Theatre in Houston. This was probably 1970 or 1971. Actually, he had taken us to see MASH at the South Main Drive-In over Mom’s objections that the movie featured nudity and probably wasn’t something that six and three and one-half year old kids should see. Dad summarily dismissed this rather sensible objection, stating “its just butts and these kids have seen butts before.” Remember, your kids pay attention to everything. By the way, I don't remember dorsal nudity as a common, everyday Reeder household event. Maybe I blocked that. Was there even a Child Protective Services back then? Apparently not.  As far as I can remember, I watched about the first couple of minutes of MASH then promptly fell asleep.

 

But not so the Bond movies. I immediately loved them. Bond was like some incredible superhero, but without the ridiculous capes and superpowers. He seemed like someone who might actually exist. Not anywhere near the southwest Houston suburbs, of course, unless you counted Cesar Cedeno as a superhero. I never did. But my Bond affinity stuck, even as my movie viewing expanded to other genres.

As Jerry Seinfeld might ask, what's the deal with James Bond movies? You want to like them, but most of them have been slightly horrible once you look past the usual trappings. You want to like them because every now and then they produce a really interesting one. By that I mean a movie with an interesting story, the characters and Bond's exploits are within the realm of at least somewhat believable, and there's good action scenes that don't necessarily overwhelm the story.

Ian Fleming created James Bond and originated the series through numerous novels. Fleming served as a British naval intelligence officer during World War Two, and he kept many of his intelligence contacts through the Cold War. The novels glorified Fleming and his cohorts, creating an Idealized Man version of the British gentleman spy possessing many of Fleming's qualities and habits. The novels' spare writing style made for an easy read, with intriguing and seemingly realistic stories depicting a war that most people could not follow easily. A shadowy, "Cold War" where the battle lines were secretive rendezvous where individual operatives arranged sinister deals to support or destabilize foreign governments. John F. Kennedy was an enormous fan. Mad Men character Don Draper reads the Ian Fleming novels in a couple of episodes. The novels' James Bond differs considerably from his movie counterpart. In the novels, Bond is cruel, ruthless, aggressive, methodical, and dispassionate. This Bond neither quips nor prowls for women. He does not possess matinee idol good looks. Weirdly, Fleming wanted David Niven and his wispy mustache to play Bond. The novels often beg the question whether we want such a dangerous and doubtful person defending "freedom." The novels do not contain the movies' rather absurd plots, but rather, they tell relatively believable stories. Diamonds Are Forever, for example, concerns diamond smuggling, not creating a diamond encrusted laser satellite capable of destroying cities. You Only Live Twice involved a "suicide park" luring the depressed to kill themselves, not intercepting spacecraft to provoke a nuclear war. The Bond movies that remained close to the original Fleming novels are among the series' better films.

The movies immediately reached mass audiences, particularly American audiences. The movies, as noted above, softened Bond somewhat. Rather than the ruthless, shadowy figure, Sean Connery brilliantly played Bond as a dashing, somewhat rakish, good guy, whose main attributes included guile, intelligence, and the uncanny ability to seduce the bad guys' women to his advantage. The movies, particularly the early ones, resonated because they combined two enormously popular genres--westerns and whodunits.  The Bond movies always glorified Bond as the Lone Hero, going it alone against the evil villains, as might a John Wayne or the Lone Ranger or Gary Cooper in High Noon. He may have had his trusted assistant (often the Woman du Jour), but in the end, Bond stood alone against evil. But to reach that point, he had to figure out the villain's evil scheme (or at least get close enough to where the villain would simply tell him the whole story just before trying to execute him, thereby unintentionally allowing Bond sufficient time to devise an escape--a ludicrous plot device that Mike Myers parodied brilliantly in Austin Powers). Two-thirds of the movie involved Bond as detective, figuring out the evil plot, while the remainder involved Bond as cowboy hero, saving the world singlehandedly. The early movies may have watered down the novel's violence somewhat, but not to a degree where they didn't still shock early 1960s audiences. The scene in Dr. No where Bond rather casually kills an unarmed Prof. Dent, as revenge and to send a message to his superiors, was something quite unknown in American movies. So they represented a new style in the genre.

The movies had two other "can't miss" attributes. One was their Cold War focus. As mentioned earlier, the Nightly News couldn't exactly report on that day's progress in the war. Americans couldn't tune in to the Cold War, with it lacking any recognizable "front" or "soldiers" or "battles." Everyone had an idea that government agents were concocting and executing sinister plots, but ordinary Americans had no idea of their existence. We may have learned, for example, that the Iranian government under Mossadeq fell in 1953, but had no idea for years that the CIA and MI6 instigated it. So, unlike World War Two, whose developments Americans could follow daily, and which spawned innumerable heroes and tales of courage, the Cold War was virtually unknown (except when it would heat up some, such as during the Berlin Airlift or the Korean War).

The other attribute was Sean Connery. A relatively unknown actor, he adroitly handled the character's various attributes. A former bodybuilder, he easily portrayed the physical scenes. He also capably handled the dramatic material, and demonstrated a mastery of the comic scenes. The quips that his successors made ridiculous seemed just right in Connery's hands. And Connery had mad game with the ladies, as shown by four subsequent decades of female admiration. Connery blended all these traits in a way that seemed almost effortless.

Plus, for the early Sixties, James Bond was pretty damn cool. Slick suits, the iconic Aston Martin DB-5, Morland's cigarettes, baccarat, tuxedoes, exotic locations (remember, a huge number of Americans still hadn't flown in an airplane at this point, let alone traveled to Jamaica or Eastern Europe or Japan), stunningly beautiful women, and fantastic music. To the average deskbound schmo, eating white bread sandwiches every day and dreaming of seeing Niagara Falls, James Bond must have seemed like some fantasy superhero.

That success bred imitation. Television began to feature several "spy" shows, each differing somewhat but generally sticking with the Bond "formula." Many were pedestrian ("Man from UNCLE" or "The Saint"), some were quite good ("Danger Man" or "The Avengers"...even "The Prisoner"). True success also breeds satirization. The Bond movies also garnered that treatment, with movies such as the Flint series ("In Like Flint" and "Our Man Flint") and the infamous Get Smart, created by Mel Brooks and written by Buck Henry. Of course, years later the Bond franchise instigated the Austin Powers movies. Bond also inspired generations of other spy novels, by the likes of John LeCarre, Gerard deVilliers, Richard Condon, Graham Greene, and Tom Clancy.

Once he left the series took an immediate downturn. Roger Moore may have looked nice, but he simply was no substitute for Connery, like Coke that's lost its fizz. The stories also became ludicrous. Every one of them involved some mad man hell bent on either starting a nuclear war, or threatening to start a nuclear war. They lacked any credible plot. If these guys were rich and resourceful enough to make world domination their profession, why would they want to give it up to, you know, destroy the world? I mean, how many Ferraris and gold bars can one person really use in a lifetime? These movies also relied on totally unbelievable premises and story elements. I know he's playing James Bond and all, but what woman is going to just give it up to Dull Roger Moore mere seconds after meeting him? And I know James Bond is supposed to be an intelligent, capable guy, but his "expertise" bordered on farcical. Watch Bond drive Soviet tanks, ski down treacherous mountains, defuse nuclear bombs, reprogram missile attack computers, fly the Space Shuttle, speak every world language, rig up some spur of the moment gadget to escape from harm's way, win every single bet in every casino in the world (that's the most outlandish skill), and know the correct label and vintage of every wine and correct pairing with every dish. And how exactly did he never exercise, smoke cigarettes and cigars, and guzzle vodka martinis, and yet retain the ability to beat up nearly every black-clad bad guy henchman, run at top speeds to elude bad guys, and resist every form of torture known to man? Seventies and Eighties Bond movies featured the likes of midgets, voodoo dancers, a lusty harem of circus wenches, a guy with steel teeth, and oh yeah, Bond flying the Space Shuttle. The Evil Villains' henchmen never seemed capable of shooting him, as if they all hired the most incompetent marksmen available. Nor did Bond ever get dirty. I don't mean dirty in a sexual way; an absurd amount of that happened of course. I mean dirty like, sweaty. Of actual dirt from fighting bad guys or running around in the midst of danger. Hell, the guy's shirts never as much as got wrinkled. Meanwhile I can't even walk a city block without sweating. 


Though he leaves numerous dead bodies in his wake, for some reason the local police never question or arrest him. Oh sure, sometimes he has to cut out before the local yokels arrive, but I guess there’s some sort of Hague Convention that recognizes a British Government “License to Kill.” Maybe its like diplomatic immunity. He either can travel on every world airline packing heat or can score guns and ammo in every corner of the world. And, though he is their mortal enemy, Bond’s evil arch nemesis villains can’t seem to bring themselves to kill him at least until they’ve proudly bragged about/confessed every last detail of their evil schemes to Bond, like kids seeking their father’s approval near movie’s end. As Austin Power also fantastically lampooned. Talk about your love/hate relationships. By sheer twist of fate, this super fantastic yet Space Age spy gadget that Q would introduce during the opening “get your orders and explain the movie’s plot” meeting with M always proved to be the one thing that would save Bond from Certain Death. If Bond needed at some point to set off explosives, he’d always be in luck because Q would have given him a watch that doubled as an explosives charge. If he for some statistically remote reason happened to find himself trapped in an underwater shark tank without an oxygen tank, fortune would already providently have blessed him with a miniature oxygen devices.

That’s another thing. Isn’t it kind of weird that MI6, as depicted in the Bond films, has no mandatory retirement age? You’d think that a paramilitary national security operation would take steps to ensure that its managers and operatives possess excellent decision making skills untainted by fatigue or age. Yet there’s Q and Moneypenny still hard at work into what seemed like their 90s. I’d had enough of Roger Moore’s funereal appearance by the time A View To A Kill rolled around, so it’s the only Bond movie I haven’t seen. Why the Brits would send 125 year old Roger Moore out to save the world escaped me. Maybe they thought his senior citizen discount would save on expenses? Pierce “Remington Steele” Brosnan was definitely showing signs of decrepitude during his last Bond movie. Has any male actor not named Tom Cruise gotten more parts based on his looks alone? At some point age catches up to everyone, signed Mick Jagger’s Shar Pei face. In Skyfall, where the producers intentionally mocked some of the earlier movies’ plot devices, the retirement question arose when M catastrophically and astonishingly (1) actually made an electronic list of all western bloc nation’s implanted operatives in alQueda, and (2) failed to at least protect the electronic file from decryption, and (3) managed to lose said list. Wow. Amazing, just like what would happen in real life. Someone would get cashiered, 007’s heroics in later retrieving said list notwithstanding.

The Bond movies became kind of a joke. Though audiences continued to attend. But competition from similar franchises, mainly the Bourne movies, eventually pushed the producers to make some significant changes. The Daniel Craig movies return the franchise to Fleming's original Bond--a fairly ruthless, hard charging, dispassionate killer. The more recent stories still involve grand evil schemes, but more believable ones. Casino Royale, the first Bond novel and last one to be made into a movie (there had been a 1960s farcical Bond movie of that title starring, ironically, David Niven, but the official series producers had not made Casino Royale until just a few years ago), involved a terrorist financier trying to recoup through a high stakes poker game money he had lost investing in an unsuccessful terrorist plot. Quantum of Solace involved a shadowy organization similar to the SPECTRE organization in the Bond novels, attempting to monopolize the Bolivian water supply for fun and profit. Skyfall concerned a former MI6 operative trying to avenge old wrongs by killing M. Not exactly trying to take over the world, but that's kind of the point. The producers have corrected most Moore-era flaws as well. Bond gets dirty, kills ruthlessly when necessary, doesn't ponce about spouting inanities like which end of the vineyard the wine grapes were grown, and doesn't rely on receiving the villain's engraved dinner invitation to solve their capers.

5. Goldeneye. Notwithstanding my dismissing everything between the Connery and Craig movies, the producers did manage to produce one excellent Bond movie during this period. Starring Pierce Brosnan and Famke Janssen (who actually can act), this movie scales back the pyrotechnics some, but more importantly, makes the explosions believable and logical. Yes, Bond drives a Soviet tank, and works the eject button on an advanced Russian helicopter prototype, and blows up two weapons facilities. But, the film doesn’t pit Bond against a caricature villain, and the evil scheme possesses some plausible real world basis (attacking London’s electrical grid with an EMP device to destabilize world financial markets). Bond actually has to do some thinking and research, he has to get his hands dirty, and there’s precious little “I’d say it’s a 30 year old fine, indifferently blended…with an overdose of bon bois.” The “good” Bond girl isn’t so over the top gorgeous that you wince upon learning she’s a guidance system operator (unlike Denise Richards playing a nuclear weapons scientist in The World Is Not Enough; I mean, really, what’s next, Keanu Reeves playing Hamlet?). Nor does she immediately fall into Bond’s bed, nor does he much pursue her. The script does contain a couple of joke characters, but at least one is Minnie Driver, fairly earnestly playing a terrible Russian lounge/strip club singer. But this was Brosnan’s first movie, and the first real attempt at getting away from the “fighting the Soviets” or “fighting a madman bent on world domination” cliché. It also marks the incredible Judi Dench's first time out playing M. Breaking with tradition and showing 007 adapting to the changing times, Dench's M challenges 007 to be something other than a misogynist Cold War relic, and brings new grit to the role.

4. Thunderball. Though it marks the movie that initiated the whole reliance on gadgets and explosions and too amazing to believe stunts, and a “let’s do what we always do, steal a couple of nuclear bombs and hold the world hostage” plot, Thunderball was a great movie. It was the Matrix of its time, with special effects far more elaborate than any movie of its day. It pioneered underwater filming techniques. And it introduced the “bad Bond girl” in the character of “Fiona,” the luscious redheaded SPECTRE operative. To date, the only woman Bond couldn’t turn away from the Dark Side. Bond has to do some real sleuthing, the script offers some pretty clever one liners, and for the most part, Bond doesn’t have to rely on before its time gadgetry to survive (except at the outset, where he uses a “jet pack” to escape French baddies; c’mon 007, they’re Frenchies, all you had to do was point a gun at them). And Sean Connery drives the Aston Martin, and I’d pay good money just to see that. Finally, Tom Jones sings a really excellent title song (the song was going to be the far superior “Mr. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,” with Shirley Bassey singing; sadly, the concept was switched during production, forcing John Barry to rescore virtually the entire movie also at the last minute). Bond utters without doubt his best quip (“she’s just dead”). And the climatic underwater spear gun battle is pretty sweet.

3. From Russia With Love. The most austere Bond movie, and the one that most faithfully hews to the original Fleming novel. The novel presents the trap as a Soviet scheme to discredit a Western agent, while the movie shoots a bit higher, making the trap one of SPECTRE’s doing to obtain a Soviet decoding device. Nonetheless, the movie displays the finest Bond elements. Ingenuity, physicality, sophistication, prevailing against long odds. Bond uses and confronts fairly low tech tools: the hidden knife in the briefcase, the exploding briefcase, a simple flare gun, hidden microphones, and the infamous Rosa Klebb poison tipped shoe dagger. The action takes place in locales considered somewhat exotic even today: Venice (the Grand Canal), Istanbul (featuring scenes in the famed Hagia Sofia mosque), and the long train trip from Istanbul to Trieste where the climatic fight with the SPECTRE assassin occurs. Bond blows up several chasing speed boats with a flare gun and some leaking oil barrels, and downs a pursuing helicopter on his own as well. Its like the guy is a human Patriot Missile battery. Oh, and a spectacular Gypsy girl on girl catfight, after which the Gypsies basically lend Bond the contestants for the night after he helps defend their encampment against a Bulgarian reprisal raid. You know, just typical everyday life stuff.

2. Casino Royale. This series reboot really transcended, and threw out, all the tired clichés and conventions that had drug the Bond movies down through the years. When asked at one point whether he wants his martini shaken or stirred, he replies, "Do I look like someone who gives a damn?" Daniel Craig is ripped up, and you absolutely believe he's the cold-blooded Bond of the Fleming novels. The movie starts the Bond story from scratch, shortly before he becomes "007." The movies shows Bond developing into the character of "007." At first, he's an emotionless, ruthless thug good largely for killing and inflicting maximum violence. Judi Dench as M promotes him to 00 rank, and challenges him to be something other than a killer. She becomes something of a mother figure to him in the process. Bond suffers setbacks along the way, trailing a criminal financier working with terrorists (another welcome "real world" plot reflecting more contemporary problems). While working the case, Bond certainly "gets dirty," but also must blend in and move in more sophisticated circles, as the villain sets up a high stakes poker game at a Montenegro casino to recoup his losses. Then he falls in love with his "handler" from the Treasury Department, impulsively quitting MI6 after the mission. She double-crosses him eventually, resulting in Bond "growing up" and becoming the hard but wisened Secret Agent Man we've come to know. "The job's over. The bitch is dead." 

1. Goldfinger. The greatest Bond movie of all time. It perfectly balances the various story, style, and thematic elements that underlie the Bond franchise. Connery gives his best and most engaged performance. And the movie features so many iconic sights and scenes. Oddjob, with the lethal hat. The girl covered in gold paint. The crushed car containing all that gold bullion. Bond's black tie dinner with M and the junior Treasury minister. Bond turning Goldfinger's cheating at golf against him. The Fort Knox assault . The laser beam. The iconic Aston Martin DB-5 (with the homing device, so a fellow can stop off for a quick one en route, "quick one" being unspecified). Great lines like "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!" Probably the greatest title song not simply in the Bond series but in all of American movie history. Certainly the coolest title song ever. The remaining music also ranks as the best Bond soundtrack by far. And..."Pussy Galore."  The crazy thing is, Bond does almost nothing in this one to save the world. Someone else defuses the bomb as bond helplessly flails about not knowing what to do. Miss Galore tips off the FBI to the plot and switches out the nerve gas while Bond remains in Goldfinger's custody. He even blasphemes the Beatles, dismissing drinking a '53 Dom Perignon at a temperature above 38 degrees as like "listening to the Beatles without earmuffs." No, really, the only thing he does is turn the lesbian to the other team, thereby inducing her to come over the not-dark side (the "light side"?) and thwart Goldfinger's inventive plot to irradiate the American gold reserves and thereby inflate the value of his own gold holdings. Operation "Grand Slam" indeed. Yeah, Pussy Galore was a lesbian in the novel, and the still intact movie production codes wouldn't allow the producers to acknowledge that directly. Of course, the ability to change someone else's sexuality is itself rare and prized. Like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld, imploring a gay man to join the straight team because "we really needs a shortstop!" But Honor Blackman was the oldest Bond girl to date (at age 39, she was an unusual though welcome choice for 1965 Hollywood), and brought welcome sophistication, character, and independence to a role that more often than not has required the actress merely to look luscious and appear enraptured with Bond. (see: "Soto, Talisa"). She made what could have been a throwaway, one-dimensional role into a part that saw her as both Bond's and Goldfinger's equal. The whole thing amounts to the most entertaining, believable, spellbinding, and swaggering Bond movie ever. Enjoy.

What do you think? Are you still there?

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